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Erma Bombeck Quotes

Erma Louise Bombeck (1927-1996) was an American humorist who achieved great popularity for her newspaper column that described suburban home life from the mid-1960s until the late 1990s.

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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.


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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.


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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.


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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.


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When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.


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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.


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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.


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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?


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I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.


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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.


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One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.


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Never have more children than you have car windows.


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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.


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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

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